National Grid Needs to Stop Sending This Obnoxious Email on Hot Days

***DISCLAIMER: This is an opinion piece by the author and does not represent the views of Townsquare Media***

If you're a National Grid customer, and there's a particularly hot day on the horizon, perhaps you've gotten this email:

You know, I like to think I have a lot of empathy in my heart. For people, for animals... for any creature that's going through a tough time. But you know who I don't have empathy for? Multibillion dollar energy companies that send me a goddamn bill every month.

On high energy demand days like tomorrow, do what you can to limit your energy use.

Oh, sure, National Grid! I *could* limit my energy use at the expense of my own comfort. But you know what else I could do instead? I could create a Human Centipede of power strips and run my air conditioner, air fryer, coffee maker, toaster, electric skillet, microwave, George Foreman grill, Ninja Kitchen System, food dehydrator, foot massager, crock pot, waffle iron and CPAP machine all at the same time.

...and come to think of it, maybe I'll charge every electronic gadget I've ever owned, also. Even the obsolete ones. I’m gonna charge my Sony Ericcson, Motorola Razr, Blackberry Quark, iPod Shuffle, Microsoft Zune, Gateway Laptop, and GameBoy Advance all at the same time, too.

And as a small fire breaks out into my apartment, I will laugh, and laugh, and laugh.

So no, National Grid, I'm not going to "conserve energy" because you asked me to, you soulless cretins. Here's another idea: Take those billions of dollars you make off American citizens and.... oh, I dunno... BE PREPARED for those high energy demand days.

There's a novel idea.